Two Years

Today marks two years.  Two years since you entered this world an angel.  Two years since our lives were completely torn apart and the world crashed around us.  It has been two years of trying to cope with loss and grief.  Two years of people not quite understanding what you feel and not understanding why you feel it.  Two years of moving forward.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that I think about you every day.  Some days it's just a passing thought, but no matter how small it is there.  Some days I still cry.  Usually it's in the car as I'm driving; tears that stay hidden from anyone else's knowledge.  I go through flashbacks more often than I care to admit and this last month has been a killer.  Some nights I have nightmares when I relive the moments that stood out the most in my mind. The doctor with the news, the moment you were born, the silence. Feeling your body grow cold in my arms. These things have lessened as time has passed but they haven't gone away.  I don't think they ever will.

Two years of anxiety.  I've suffered this as a result of going through a traumatic experience so says a counselor.  I worry about losing people. I worry about your Daddy when he drives to work each day. I pray for about 30 minutes a night thanking God for the people I have now and begging him not to take them away.  I check on your sister an unhealthy amount of times each night.  I can't sleep without the shine of the monitor and I listen to her breathe and am reminded of watching the ultrasound screen - praying so hard during every appointment that when they turned it on she would be alive.

Two years of changing.  I've changed from the person I was. I knew that as soon as I had you.  I never knew I could love someone as much as I fell in love with you.  What you did for me was make me a better person.  A person who looks at life as a gift. A person who takes more in. A person who lets moments linger longer than most.

I don't doubt that I would have been a good Mom to you.  I think I would have done fine.  We would have laughed often, been amazed as you met your milestones, read good night books, been silly together and enjoyed each other's company. I would have loved you more with every day, just as I do now. However; what you have taught me is appreciation.  I don't think I would have appreciated you as much as I do your sister now that I know what it means not to have you.  I can honestly say that I have never been frustrated with having to get up with her in the night. If I hear her cry the first thing that comes to my mind is, "At least she's alive".  I look at her and wonder so much about you and am so thankful for her that it hurts.  I know that every Mom loves her child an incredible amount, but I think it's a different set of emotions that you have when you've gone through what we did. It's a different lens that I now view life through. Your sister and I's relationship is different, your Daddy and I's relationship is so much stronger, and we owe that to you.  You bonded our family together and changed our entire outlook on life.

Easton, I know you're in a better place but I still wish you were here with me. I'm working on something special for you and it will all be in your honor.  Hopefully, more progress will be made in the next year and we can start helping others cope with the loss that we experienced.  I love you and will always love you.  Your light will always be present and you will never be far from my thoughts.  Thank you for choosing me to be your Mommy.  Thank you for being my son.  Happy Birthday, baby boy.  To the moon and back again.

In Memory of Easton Edward Connor

It has been a long time since I have looked at this blog.  Shortly after the last blog post, the chalkboard I had made out of a mirror broke; perhaps a sign of what was to come a few weeks later.  I did not get around to posting updates and pictures but now feel the need to bring a sense of closure here.

Life is full of surprises...that was the theme that started this whole adventure.  Finding out we were growing a little baby was the surprise of my life.  Unfortunately, there were more surprises ahead that didn't leave us with a happy ending.  Life doesn't always give us what we expect.  It is not predictable, and it is not always fair.  Statistics are not always in your favor.  We lost Easton at 37 weeks and now, six weeks later, I am still trying to sort out feelings of shock, grief, numbness, anger, and sadness in it's purest, deepest form.  I had planned on telling Easton's birth story on this blog, sharing his pictures as he grew, and celebrating his milestones.  Though there will be no milestones, I still feel that he is our little boy and his birth story deserves to be told.  It is a part of the healing process, and I hope that by sharing perhaps it will reach someone who needs it just as I needed to hear others' stories:

At 37 weeks, we were ready for baby.  I had carefully washed and folded each of his baby items and outfits.  Tiny socks and pacifiers were in their place. The nursery was complete, and all we needed was for our little bundle to arrive.  Cody left for his annual hunting trip, promising to check in every few hours to make sure our little boy was going to stay put until he got back.

I went to bed Wednesday night after a warm bath to soothe my aching body. The third trimester had been difficult (go figure...the whole pregnancy was difficult), I was still working full time, and I was ready to have this baby.  I felt his reassuring kicks as I drifted off to sleep, never imagining that it would be the last time I felt him move.  On Thursday morning, September 26th I woke up and went to work as usual.  Easton was always a slow mover in the mornings so I didn't think anything of the lack of movement.  A couple hours later however, I realized I still hadn't felt him.  I called my doctor who told me to drink something sugary and wait another hour.  If he hadn't made any significant movements, come in.  I did so, and still did not feel those kicks I had grown to love so much.  Since school was out early that day, as soon as the students were out the door I left, joking with my dear friend and co-worker that she may need to be my labor coach because having him early was the worst that I thought could possibly happen.

I was sent to Maternal Fetal Medicine for a non-stress test.  The technician reassured me that it is normal to get a non-stress test and usually everything is fine.  I was even complimented on not having a single stretch mark.  She nonchalantly put some gel on my enormous belly, but as soon as she looked at the ultrasound screen her face changed and said it all.  She silently walked out the door and came back with a doctor.  I knew before he said anything, and the moment he looked at me with tears in his eyes my world completely shattered. He gently put his hand on my leg and said, "I'm so sorry.  There is no heartbeat."  

Everything that happened next is a blur. I don't remember calling Cody but I know that I did and miraculously got ahold of him.  My friend and a family member arrived only to find me unconsolable, held in the arms of nurses whose tears were streaming down along with mine.  I was told I could go home and wait for Cody, or start the induction process right then.  Either way, I would soon have to deliver my little boy who was no longer alive.  One of the most clear moments for me was when I broke down in the wheelchair saying, "I can't do this.  I won't be able to push knowing I won't hear him cry."  Cody's sweet sister knelt down in front of me and looking directly in my eyes told me something that got me through this entire nightmare:  "You are a mom now.  We are strong enough to do anything for our children.  You can do this."  

The induction process was started even though I was already having contractions.  Cody arrived shortly as did other family members who took drastic measures to get there in time.  I will always be grateful to them for that.  The labor was long, and I ended up getting an epidural at the encouragement of nurses and doctors because they said I was in enough pain...I didn't need to endure more.  I was told later that the anesthesiologist was silently crying as he inserted the needle in my back.  I didn't sleep the first night.  Cody curled up in the bed with me and we cried all night long as I fought off chills and fever due to an infection that started to rage.  We had to fill out a death certificate instead of a birth certificate, choose a funeral home, sign consent for an autopsy.  It was unbelievable what was happening to us.  The second day was long as well.  The staff allowed everyone to be in the room with me all day even though we far exceeded the cutoff.  I could not eat and my energy was plummeting.  I hated being confined to the bed.  I wanted the nightmare to be over, but I also knew that when he was born I would have to say goodbye. Three epidural "refills" later, I finally dozed off at 9:30 PM only to awaken shortly after 11:00 PM ready to push.

Pushing was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.  Physically, even though my epidural was pretty much worn off, it wasn't as bad as I imagined it.  Emotionally, it felt like my heart broke with every push.  Cody held my hand the entire time.  The nurses and doctors cried.  As I was pushing I kept praying for a miracle.  That somehow they were wrong and he would come out breathing.  I held onto the tiniest hope that I would hear him screaming his lungs off when he came out.  He was born on September 27, 2013 at 11:38 PM after 31 hours of labor.  The room was silent.

We spent a long time with him.  Our families were able to hold him and say goodbye.  Our church pastor had come earlier and prayed for him.  He was beautiful.  A perfect 6 pound, 20.5 inch long baby boy.  He had a full head of dark hair and his daddy's feet.  I saw Cody reflected in his tiny face.  We held him, dressed him, and kissed him.  We prayed for him, cried for him, and said hello and goodbye all in one breath.  A photographer from an amazing foundation, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, came in  and took some photos we will cherish forever.

I was stuck in the hospital for three days afterward.  I was fighting off an infection with a fever that had reached almost 105 degrees at it's peak.  I was in pain, stuck in the maternity ward with the sounds of newborn babies all around me.  I had so many antibiotics and medications running through me that my veins wore out and my IVs kept getting so painful I would nearly scream.  When I was healthy enough to leave, the nurses who had been so sweet and caring walked me out to the car with no baby to bring home.  In the following days I still had to deal with engorgement, and all the other normal side effects that come from giving birth.  Each one felt like a slap in the face, my body reminding me that I was supposed to have a baby in my arms.  

Easton had a beautiful graveside service and was laid to rest overlooking all of Bountiful.  We released balloons up to heaven with letters attached, and watching them fly up into the sky toward him provided an ounce of comfort.  Family members and friends sent up balloons from all over the country.  Easton's resting place is one of the most serene and peaceful places I've visited.  He lies under a tree, and I've often sat up there to watch the sunrise or sunset with him.  I always manage to catch a glimpse of deer and sparrows while I am there.  They remind me of his woodland nursery and though it may sound crazy, I truly feel like it is him telling me that he is okay and happy in heaven.  The cemetery is located one block from the landmark temple, and each day as I drive on the freeway to work I can look up toward the benches to see where he is, and whisper to heaven that I love him.

I think about my sweet baby boy every day.  Some days are good and some are bad. Some things trigger intense emotions and the tears still fall, but I know that I am healing.  Our doctor says that from the preliminary autopsy reports there may have been a genetic or birth defect.  She has reassured me that there was nothing I could have done, no way to have known.  Knowing this is helping Cody and I on the road to feeling okay again, and having hope that we will someday have our rainbow.  Easton Edward Connor will never be forgotten or replaced.  He will always be our firstborn.  He will always be our baby.  We are thankful for all of the support and outpouring of love we have received from our families, friends, coworkers, and other foundations who have given so much to us.  

Easton's life was a blessing. He taught me to cherish and relish in every moment.  That relationships are the most important thing in the world.  That God has a greater plan that I don't understand but still have to have faith in.  He changed me for the better.  From the second I held him in my arms I knew that I would have traded places with him without hesitation if I could have.  He taught me unconditional love.  Life is full of surprises...but no matter what we are dealt there is always a lesson to learn.  Thank you, Easton for teaching me those lessons.  Thank you for making me a mother.

Helloooooo 3rd Trimester!

It has been a long time since the chalkboard came out! With being out of town for two weeks and a million other things going on, life just got hectic!  This picture was taken on the last day of my 28th week (which is really most likely the 29th week...I'll explain later!)  Someone is getting large!


Weight:  Feeling large...I've gained a little bit over what I should be but the doctor assures me I just have a big baby.  I am eating as healthy as possible and walking almost every day so she says some people just gain a bit more.  Luckily I'm not up too much...I just feel HUGE!

Maternity Clothes?  Finally caved and bought some shorts and two t-shirts.  Since back to school is coming up I will also need to get a pair or two of work pants.  Other than that, I've been rocking the maxi dresses and skirts just about every day.

Symptoms:  They keep on coming! I'm still having occasional Braxton Hicks contractions. Occasional swollen feet. My hips are killing me at night (growing, growing), and the latest is that I'm starting to experience some Carpal Tunnel like symptoms.  I've woken up in the middle of the night a couple times now, crying with pain.  No fun.  Morning sickness is still lingering.  Oh, and shaving my legs is getting increasingly more difficult.  Did I mention that I just LOVE being pregnant :)

Best Moment:  Starting to set up the nursery.  I think I have everything now, just a matter of getting it all in place! Cody installed the closet system, and the crib mattress and glider arrived.  I'm so excited to do a post on this little cutie's nursery!

Feeling:  Still excited and happy, but starting to feel just a little bit nervous/anxious. I can't believe how fast time is going!

Craving:  I finally have a kind of weird one...Butterscotch pudding! 

Movement:  Baby loves to move...except for when you want him to!  We had our final NuMom2B study visit in which they were going to give us a 4D ultrasound session.  We were so incredibly excited  to see a picture of our little boy.  Well...Easton had a different idea.  He decided that he was going to stay in one spot, and better yet, keep his hands AND feet in front of his face the ENTIRE time.  Someone does not like photos (just like his Dad).  Looks like it will be a surprise when he comes out :)

Due date:  During our ultrasound this last week, our babe was yet again measuring large, in fact this was the third ultrasound in a row that he has been measuring a week early.  While this doesn't "exactly" change my due date, I was told that it probably is a week earlier.  I'm taking that in my head to mean Easton is "due" on the 16th of October! He is getting to be a big boy...3 lbs!

26 Weeks and Maternity Photos

The second trimester is coming to a close...how did that happen?

Feeling:  Starting to feel a little bit large :( 

Movement:  Easton likes to kick, punch, roll, and repeat...over and over and over!

Symptoms:  I had my first Braxton Hicks contractions this week.  They were painless, and just felt like all of a sudden my stomach got rock hard and tightened for a minute.  Uncomfortable at worst, but they did freak me out until after I hopped on the computer to figure out what was going on.  I was not about to have this little boy in Eureka! He can wait at least a couple more months and until I'm back home!

Cravings:  I feel like I don't really have any.  I still feel nauseous in the morning and periodically after certain meals but nothing seems to trigger it specifically.  My poor sister had a look of terror as I casually pulled out my trash/barf bag in her car!

Fun moments:  Spending time at home, relaxing pedicure with my sister, a second small baby shower tomorrow, and doing maternity photos with my brother.

My brother, Kirk is very interested in possible switching to photography as his major, and wanted to build his portfolio up with his new camera.  Since I am home visiting, he decided that a small maternity shoot would be a challenge and something he has never tried before.  I think he did an awesome job and we actually had a lot of fun :)  

  

25 Weeks in Sacramento

My family is the sweetest! I finally found some time to make a quick trip home to California and my aunts, grandmother and cousin decided to throw a "mini-shower" while I was in the Sacramento area.  We had lunch at Leatherby's Icecream Shop, and I was also introduced to the Black & Tan Sundae :)  (Easton kicked me the whole 5 hour drive home after that much sugar!) The gifts were so generous, the favors were adorable, and we had lots of laughs....overall a perfect "shower".  Thank you!!!

24 Weeks and Happy 4th of July!

Where oh where to begin?  Good news first:  

How far along?  24 weeks!
Morning sickness:  It's back :( But I started taking my B6 vitamin again and that is helping.  I'm also trying to eat more protein as per doctor's advice.
Belly Button:  On it's way to becoming an outie!
Movement:  All the time! I can sit and watch my belly move around.  I can feel him stretch, kick, punch, roll. So fun!
Feeling:  Excited that time is flying by!
Cravings:  I HATE rootbeer, but Cody let me have some of his when we were out to lunch and I just about slurped it all down.  Weird.  Other than that no real cravings.  
Best Moment:  I found some cute adorable outfits at baby Gap on clearance.  Who said little boys aren't as fun to shop for!  I also started a registry at Target which was lots of fun.  Finally, hearing Easton's heartbeat at the doctor this week and having him kick the Doppler off of him cracked myself and the doctor up.  He really is going to be a little firecracker.

It's a good thing this little baby boy is making me keep my stress levels in tact because they were sure tested this week when our house was completely flooded and destroyed by our dishwasher (which was not even running).  The clean up crew has come and pumped out the lake that was beneath our house and are coming tomorrow to rip up all of our floors/subfloors/all of it.  We aren't sure if we are even going to be able to stay here this week but will find out more tomorrow.  Thank the Lord for homeowners insurance.  Pictures and more details of this such-bad-luck-it's-almost-comical adventure to come!

Pregnancy Truths...Week 22

I did not feel like updating the chalkboard this week...why?...because the day I finally felt "cute" I ended up pulled over on the side of the highway puking all over myself.  Hence, the mirror picture (after a shower) of 22 weeks that I am SO glad is over!  

I feel that I have read a lot on pregnancy, and while I have a basic idea of what symptoms to expect, I don't feel like these readings have prepared me for how truly ugly some of them can be.  So, here it goes...a few pregnancy truths that I have learned thus far:

1.  Random Puking and Blood Pressure Drops
I'll start with the worst.  Morning sickness typically resides after the first trimester.  Mine has, but nobody warned me that certain things will make you puke well into the second trimester that are not related to morning sickness.

Example 1:  My morning started off great with some strawberry pancakes, juice, and a sense of energy. However; after starting my morning commute to work I realized about 10 minutes in that I was NOT feeling good.  I started to get hot and sweaty, my vision got blurry as I got dizzy, and before I knew it I was pulled over on the side of the freeway puking all over myself as I scrambled to get the door open.  A very nice gentlemen in a white SUV even stopped to make sure I was okay.  "Yes," I reassured him. "I'm just pregnant".

After teaching summer school for four hours in my now not-so-cute outfit I was able to go home and research what the heck was causing all of this.  Apparently, your blood pressure can drop suddenly causing the symptoms I experienced.  Awesome.  It happened in the bank too...it has really been a great week.

2.  It's REALLY hot!
I used to love the heat.  So much that I could be out in 90+ degrees and be completely comfortable.  Now, it's in the 80s and I feel like I am going to faint.  Cody refers to me as his personal radiator because my once always-cold body is now putting off heat like nobody's business.  Even better, stuffy rooms, showers, and other things can and have induced the puking episodes described in number one.

3.  I Can't Breathe!
I can't breathe...ever.  Lying down, standing up, sitting on the couch.  At least a few times a day I swear  I am so short of breath I wonder how I am even alive.  My doctor says this is normal.  Apparently your body pumps much more blood while your pregnant and circulation is much more difficult. 

4.  I've always been a side sleeper...until I got pregnant.
I have always found my back to be the most uncomfortable sleeping position.  However; the last couple of weeks the only position that seems to be comfortable IS on my back.  This is a no-no, and despite my special pillow (which I do love), I feel the urge to lay on my back each and every night.  It is a frustrating process and the tossing from side to side really gets annoying.

5.  Where's your bathroom?
I've stopped at random gas stations.  I know where each and every bathroom is in the stores I frequent.  I must go before I start grocery shopping.  I must go while Cody looks for things at Home Depot.  I have to leave my summer school kids working in the classroom while I RUN to the restroom.  The worst part is, you don't even really have to go that much.  But when you feel that sudden kick ON your bladder it doesn't matter how little you had to go before; finding a restroom is not an option!


I'll stop there.  Being pregnant has not been the most fun thing I've ever experienced, but the feeling of my little boy kicking and moving in my belly daily reminds me that it is so worth it, and I wouldn't change this for the world! I can't wait to have him here. Here's to praying for a bit easier of a 23rd week :)